Welcome to the fabulous new game show that's sweeping the nation, "Stump The Candidate!"
That's right, folks, this is where we ask the questions that need to be answered, and see what YOUR candidates have to say!
I'm your host, Chuck Woolery. Our questions are sent in by YOU, the American voter. There's a lot at stake here, folks. The questions you ask of the candidates can make or break them...but YOU are the ultimate winners...or will you be the losers?
Let's get started, shall we?
Your candidate tonight comes to us all the way from the 49th state! That's right, from Wasilla, Alaska, please welcome Governor Sarah Palin!
Sarah was a point guard on her high school's state championship basketball team, where she earned the nickname "Sarah Barracuda"; the first runner-up in the Miss Alaska pageant, in which she won the honor of Miss Congeniality; she's been the governor of Alaska for 20 months; and most recently, was picked by Senator John McCain to be his running mate in this year's presidential election! Way to go, Sarah! She is also the mother of five, and told our staff that her hobbies are hunting, fishing, and snowmobiling, and she LOVES moose burgers! [laughs] Well, I don't know about the moose burgers, but I'll take your word for it, Sarah!
Are you ready, Sarah? Good! Here we go. Here's your first question. "Where do you stand on women's issues, and what will you do to ensure that women are treated fairly in the workplace and in American society?"
Sarah: Title IX!
Oooh, I'm sorry, Sarah. While this act, passed in 1972, is important for athletics and education, it doesn't take into account inequalities in the workplace, or in salaries. Or reproductive and health issues. Let's move on to the next question. "What are your qualifications when it comes to foreign policy, and dealing with foreign heads of state?"
Sarah: In what respect, Charlie?
Uhh, it's Chuck, actually. What experience do you have that would assure the American public that you can deal with sensitive negotiations with other countries?
Sarah: I've been to Ireland!
Ooooh...once again, I'm sorry. Your plane landed there for refueling, but our judges tell us that a refueling stop does not qualify as an actual visit. Let's move on. Good luck. "How do you respond to the so-called Troopergate allegations...that you used your influence as governor to coerce the state public safety chief to fire your ex-brother-in-law?"
Sarah: I took on the good ol' boys network!
Uhhh...yeah. That may be, but I'm afraid that's not an answer to the question. Next question. "How will you deal with the energy crisis?"
Sarah: Put it on eBay!
Okay. That is not a viable option. We have one more question in this round. "By all accounts, the economy is in big trouble. What is your understanding of the situation, and what do you think can be done to fix it?"
No, that is NOT correct. What kind of an answer is that? What are you--? Okay, that is the end of the first round. You have the option of moving on to the lightning round, in which you will be asked even more questions about the economy, foreign policy, the war in Iraq, earmarks, and of course, health care. Governor Sarah Palin, do you wish to continue on to the lightning round?
Sarah: Thanks...but no thanks.
A wise choice. Although you won't be continuing on, we hope you'll accept this parting gift of a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni!
Sarah: Let me say it again. Thanks, but no thanks.
You don't want the Rice-A-Roni? Everyone loves Rice-A-Roni! It's the San Francisco treat!
Sarah: I'm afraid I just can't support a product that comes from that city. You know the type of "lifestyle" of the people who live there---
Okay, that's it for today, folks! Join us next time on "Stump The Candidate!"
[applause, outro music]