Some tips for dealing with "The Evil Dead"

 

Since we finished the Alien movies (including the last one, the critically-acclaimed "Alaska Alien"), Ken was a good sport and went along with starting the "Evil Dead" trilogy, so we watched the first one tonight.

 

This is a classic horror movie (it would be a great one to watch at the drive-in), with a group of five enjoying a getaway to a creepy, decrepit cabin in the woods...and oh! Oh my! The only bridge is very rickety, and almost ready to fall down! And the car they're driving is unreliable! Whatever could happen?

 

Well, I'll tell you.

 

Warning: Spoiler Alert!

 

A little exploration in the basement...oh yes, there MUST be a basement...yields a reel-to-reel tape player, and a mysterious book full of strange drawings and cryptic writings. That night, our band of travelers turns out the lights and listens to the tape recording, which turns out to be a professor who has learned how to read the cryptic writing...which he speaks aloud, summoning the evil spirits that dwell in the surrounding woods.

 

One by one, the members of the group succumb to the evil dead, resulting in some really nasty ghouls with serious cataracts, prematurely greying hair, and a tendency to bleed copiously from the mouth. All fall to the evil lurking in the woods, except for our hero, the square-jawed Ash (played by Bruce Campbell). That's him wielding the chainsaw in the movie poster, and he IS the good guy, trying to maintain his sanity while protecting himself from the ghouls who urge him to "Join usssss."

 

The professor speaking on the tape has found out that the only way to stop the evil dead is by dismemberment, so Ash alternates between an axe and a chainsaw (although he can't bring himself to use it on his evil dead girlfriend).

 

Does it sound cheesy? It IS! It REVELS in cheese, and it's one of my favorites. Ken isn't quite there with me when it comes to lovin' the cheese factor, but I hope he enjoys my enthusiasm! I tried to convince him that he was watching a horror classic. Actually, I find this to be quite a scary and creepy movie, despite the clichés and despite how many times I've seen it...of course, at the time of the initial release (1982), this was pretty gory and really pushed the envelope of what was accepted in movies.

 

End of spoilers

 

Not that I think I've convinced anyone to watch this one! But I will warn you that this movie is not for the faint of heart. There are large amounts of fake blood, so much so that it becomes almost a parody. Ash is drenched many times over, and at one point takes a gusher right in the face. The campiness is taken even further in the next two movies, and I'm looking forward to watching them again! Have I mentioned that Ken is a good sport?!

 

I also think that Ash is one of the great characters in horror movies. He's scared out of his gourd, but he does what must be done.

 

We were laughing at some points during the movie, because they did so many of the "Don'ts" of horror movies! That list has been done already, so I won't try to recreate it, but I'll mention a few that are based on our observations tonight.

 

 

If you hear a noise outside, do NOT go out into the woods alone. This is especially important if you are wearing your nightie.

 

Do not stand in  front of an open window, or even a closed one if the curtains are open.

 

If you have had enough death and drama, and feel that you must get out of there and go it alone, you will probably be attacked and you will die.

 

If you are preparing to engage in sexual intercourse--especially premarital--you will probably be attacked and you will probably die.

 

Do not play any type of recording that has been left by the previous resident. This will result in almost certain death.

 

If you encounter a mysterious book, especially one that seems to be bound in some type of...leather...one that has a strange likeness to your own skin...do not read aloud from it. This will probably result in your own death, and those of everyone around you.

 

If your friend becomes one of the evil dead, then suddenly seems to have a change of heart, and begins speaking in their normal voice...do not trust them. They are evil, and while not truly dead, they are undead. They are not really your friend, and they want to kill you. This goes for girlfriends and boyfriends, too.

 

It's always good to have an axe handy.

 

If you think the creature is dead, and you lean down to check on it, it's not really dead, and will probably shoot out its arms and grab you by the throat. Why are you leaning down, anyway? Checking its pulse?

 

If you lean your back against a wall, it is likely that arms will come shooting out from behind you and grab you.

 

While you may have a car, chances are good that when you want to leave, it will not start.

 

And finally...how many times must it be said? DON'T GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

 

 

I hope you will find these tips helpful the next time you are in a dangerous, evil dead type of situation.

 

 

Tags: The Evil Dead, Bruce Campbell