Monday, September 1, 2008

I approve this message!

 
Well, I have to say that I have been inspired by Governor Palin's selection as Senator McCain's running mate.
 
In fact, I was so inspired that it didn't take long for me to come to my decision: I am running for Vice-President.
 
That's right, I'm declaring my candidacy right here from Nutwood Junction, and you folks are the first to hear the news. I chose not to run for President, because my dear husband, The Toweler, already has that one locked down.
 
Why do I feel I'm qualified for this important position? The reasons are myriad, and I would like to tell you a little about my experience.
 
 
    When I was in third grade, I won the school spelling bee. I will be strong on education, and make vocabulary study mandatory throughout a student's undergraduate career. We may not be able to compete in the global economy, but we WILL be the best spellers in the world!
 
    When I was a senior in high school, I was President of the German Club. I coordinated a field trip for the club to Chicago, including a lunch at The Berghoff restaurant and a visit to the Austrian Consulate. This shows that I am seasoned and savvy when it comes to foreign affairs. As part of my duties, I will brush up on my German language skills so that Angela Merkel and I can have a girls' night out.
 
    I have also traveled to Canada, Haiti, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Mexico. This highlights my extensive foreign affairs credentials. I haven't been to Hawaii, but one of my first priorities when in office will be to visit that country.
 
    In my first job, I was Chair of the Orientation Committee, in which I arranged training schedules for student interns and new employees. This shows that I can delegate and direct, and boss people around a little bit if I need to.
 
    My economic skills are strong. I managed a household budget for many years, including several in which I worked independently. I was able to save enough money for a down payment on a home, and believe me, when I need to, I can pinch those pennies till they scream bloody murder!
 
    I own several pairs of fishnet stockings. That could come in handy when in negotiations with Vladimir Putin.
 
    I don't have children of my own, but I plan on adopting a whole passel of 'em from one of those African countries--kinda like Brangelina did. Not only will it get me the whatever-sport mom vote, it will strengthen my foreign credentials even more.
 
    As a former healthcare worker, I understand the importance of prevention. I will pass strict hand-washing laws with hefty fines for those who fail inspections. If my handwashing monitors detect dirt under fingernails, they will observe the offender repeat their handwashing and make them do it until they get it right.
 
    In keeping with my campaign slogan, "I'm a wild and crazy gal!" (Who didn't love the Czechoslovakian brothers on "Saturday Night Live?" I hope to enlist Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd in my campaign.), I will declare Mardi Gras a national holiday, and since it's Fat Tuesday, I'll make Monday a holiday, too. Since there will be a high rate of absenteeism on Ash Wednesday, I'll make THAT a holiday, as well. Since that leaves only Thursday and Friday, I'll just make the entire week a national holiday! For those who choose not to participate for various reasons, they can work while the rest of us celebrate.
 
    While I can't speak Spanish, I LOVE Mexican food! That could be a big factor in how I deal with immigration laws.
 
    While I haven't yet established my credentials as a reformer, I can show the nation that I am a reframer. I have made really cute wall hangings using picture frames, flowers from our yard that I put in my flower press, and feathers I've found in the yard. For one of them, I "roughed it up" a bit and antiqued the frame. It's really neat! If anyone wants to debate me regarding my reframing abilities, I will be happy to have that debate!

 

As you can see, I believe my experience speaks for itself. I know that we haven't traditionally elected our vice-presidents, and I am running without a presidential candidate, but hey--I'm wild and crazy! I say let's shake things up a bit! After I'm in office, I'll appoint a President. I've got my eye on Mayor Jim Gibbens of Cando, North Dakota, population 1,342. I haven't met him yet, but I still have contacts in North Dakota (part of my national network), and I'm sure he's a good guy. His town is close to Canada, further strengthening our diplomatic relations with foreigners. And what a great name for a town: Cando! As in can do, will do! I think you'll like him as much as I do, when I finally meet him.

I am excited about this campaign, and proud to announce it here. I hope you'll join me in my unprecedented move to reach the upper echelons of government! If Sarah Palin and Mayor Gibbens "can do" it--ha ha, get it?--so can we!
 
    

17 comments:

makemarc said...

Boy are you dumb! The President has to be AMERICAN, not North Dakotan! It's in the Constipation!

sybilsybil45 said...

Oh why am I not an American... I would be so fast at the poll to vote for you I would make skid marks !!!   As for the "real" voting I am sure if I had American citizenship I might be as puzzled as many peole over there seem to be...however I don't think one of the candidates having a woman to try to grab the womans vote would get past me....quite the opposite LOl  Love  Sybil xx

buckoclown said...

The Toweler looks forward to either Simon or Jack debating "Crazy Beth".  Perhaps your theme should be who let the squirrels out?

queeniemart said...

anyone who has Steve Martin in the cabinet, i am SO there! You've got my vote!
XO

gen0507 said...

You've got my vote!!!  LOL

Hollie

preciousone25 said...

I LOVE MakeMarc's comment!!!!   LOL!!!  This was good... you have my vote (you're only running for VP in YOUR country, right?)

Joann

aimer said...

You have my vote! Your qualifications are outstanding, I support anyone who can use passel appropriately in a sentence. That means you can relate to all of us southerners because we use the word passel a lot. I'm thrilled to know that there will be some real competition in this campaign from such a wild and crazy gal!

Btw, have you read the latest headline about Sarah Palin and her daughter?--Sheria

x6stringer@yahoo.com said...

Pass the snickerdoodles Mrs. President!  Hahaha!  I have to say that most of the blogs I've read about Mrs. Palin have been positive.  I admit that I don't get it.  She might be very good, but really nobody knows.  She and McCain don't even know each other.  It seems like a blatant attempt to pull Hillary voters and an attempt to show that McCain is for change too.   I hope that folks make a decision about her based on something more than the fact she has a set of ovaries and has a child in the service.  See ya Bethaaaay!

helmswondermom said...

Well, I HAD promised to vote for Briege as VP, but maybe I'll have to re-think that now!
Lori

wwfbison said...

You have my vote...I'll start campaigning now - got any yard signs yet???  LOL
Lisa

jimsulliv3 said...

With those excellent qualifications you're a shoo-in for president! Your credentials far exceed the current two presidential candidates and your name is easier to pronounce. You have my vote !

Jimmy

ggrant008 said...

I can tell by your Mardi Gras declaration that you are going after the Drag Queen vote!  I'll rally the girls and we'll do a show to raise funds for your campaign!

chat2missie said...

You guys are so funny!
Missie

lisawesmalayna said...

Natually!  I will vote for you cause we would have lots of change.
Certainly! You would have big American Ideas! Of course I will tell Biden and Palin to get out of your ways! But enough of this flattery, let every body get to a swinging vote! Beth you have my wild and crazy vote!

Wes

eml625 said...

Well, that's alot to consider. Who am I kidding, everyday is a freakin holiday with you in office. Count me in !

Ellen

mpnaz58 said...

Hooray!!  You can count on my vote!!  As you know, every vote counts in  this country, and your experience and strong character surely make you the best candidate for the VP job.  I believe so strongly in you that I am willing to make phone calls for you, even if people hang up on me or cuss me out because, well, they've never heard of you!!  Your campaign slogan says it all, baby!!
xoxo ~Myra

shrbrisc said...

lmao girl you crack me up but you have my vote lol the alien thing skeered me reading lol thanks for all the support the last few weeks you are a treasure .
hugs
Sherry