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Well, I have to say that I have been inspired by Governor Palin's selection as Senator McCain's running mate.

 

In fact, I was so inspired that it didn't take long for me to come to my decision: I am running for Vice-President.

 

That's right, I'm declaring my candidacy right here from Nutwood Junction, and you folks are the first to hear the news. I chose not to run for President, because my dear husband, The Toweler, already has that one locked down.

 

Why do I feel I'm qualified for this important position? The reasons are myriad, and I would like to tell you a little about my experience.

 

 

    When I was in third grade, I won the school spelling bee. I will be strong on education, and make vocabulary study mandatory throughout a student's undergraduate career. We may not be able to compete in the global economy, but we WILL be the best spellers in the world!

 

    When I was a senior in high school, I was President of the German Club. I coordinated a field trip for the club to Chicago, including a lunch at The Berghoff restaurant and a visit to the Austrian Consulate. This shows that I am seasoned and savvy when it comes to foreign affairs. As part of my duties, I will brush up on my German language skills so that Angela Merkel and I can have a girls' night out.

 

    I have also traveled to Canada, Haiti, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Mexico. This highlights my extensive foreign affairs credentials. I haven't been to Hawaii, but one of my first priorities when in office will be to visit that country.

 

    In my first job, I was Chair of the Orientation Committee, in which I arranged training schedules for student interns and new employees. This shows that I can delegate and direct, and boss people around a little bit if I need to.

 

    My economic skills are strong. I managed a household budget for many years, including several in which I worked independently. I was able to save enough money for a down payment on a home, and believe me, when I need to, I can pinch those pennies till they scream bloody murder!

 

    I own several pairs of fishnet stockings. That could come in handy when in negotiations with Vladimir Putin.

 

    I don't have children of my own, but I plan on adopting a whole passel of 'em from one of those African countries--kinda like Brangelina did. Not only will it get me the whatever-sport mom vote, it will strengthen my foreign credentials even more.

 

    As a former healthcare worker, I understand the importance of prevention. I will pass strict hand-washing laws with hefty fines for those who fail inspections. If my handwashing monitors detect dirt under fingernails, they will observe the offender repeat their handwashing and make them do it until they get it right.

 

    In keeping with my campaign slogan, "I'm a wild and crazy gal!" (Who didn't love the Czechoslovakian brothers on "Saturday Night Live?" I hope to enlist Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd in my campaign.), I will declare Mardi Gras a national holiday, and since it's Fat Tuesday, I'll make Monday a holiday, too. Since there will be a high rate of absenteeism on Ash Wednesday, I'll make THAT a holiday, as well. Since that leaves only Thursday and Friday, I'll just make the entire week a national holiday! For those who choose not to participate for various reasons, they can work while the rest of us celebrate.

 

    While I can't speak Spanish, I LOVE Mexican food! That could be a big factor in how I deal with immigration laws.

 

    While I haven't yet established my credentials as a reformer, I can show the nation that I am a reframer. I have made really cute wall hangings using picture frames, flowers from our yard that I put in my flower press, and feathers I've found in the yard. For one of them, I "roughed it up" a bit and antiqued the frame. It's really neat! If anyone wants to debate me regarding my reframing abilities, I will be happy to have that debate!

 

As you can see, I believe my experience speaks for itself. I know that we haven't traditionally elected our vice-presidents, and I am running without a presidential candidate, but hey--I'm wild and crazy! I say let's shake things up a bit! After I'm in office, I'll appoint a President. I've got my eye on Mayor Jim Gibbens of Cando, North Dakota, population 1,342. I haven't met him yet, but I still have contacts in North Dakota (part of my national network), and I'm sure he's a good guy. His town is close to Canada, further strengthening our diplomatic relations with foreigners. And what a great name for a town: Cando! As in can do, will do! I think you'll like him as much as I do, when I finally meet him.

I am excited about this campaign, and proud to announce it here. I hope you'll join me in my unprecedented move to reach the upper echelons of government! If Sarah Palin and Mayor Gibbens "can do" it--ha ha, get it?--so can we!

 

    

Tags: Vice-President, Sarah Palin, John McCain, Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Mardi Gras, Jim Gibbens, Cando North Dakota