Thursday, July 17, 2008

Are your legs tired? 'Cause they've been running through my mind all day

Dr. Will had a funny entry yesterday about his dislike of insects. He wrote, "Whether a spider suspended in the air or a moth fluttering around my porch light they all creep me out. If that makes me a wimp, well, spit in your eye. I don’t care." He went on to theorize that insects could be plotting to take over the world--you can't prove it's NOT happening, can you? It was quite funny, and I shared an interesting little factoid with him. I thought I would share it with you, too. (An apology to my pal Jimi, who hates spiders and was always completely grossed out by this.)
I heard once that a person swallows, on average, 6 or 7 spiders during their lifetime in their sleep. (I can't recall if that's the exact number, but it was around there.) Think about're lying there on your back, snoozing away, and your mouth is open. A spider descends from the ceiling, as they sometimes do, and BAM! You just ate a spider.
Yuck! However, after a quick check of Snopes, it turns out this is an urban legend. Awwww...too bad, because that was a good one! Jimi, you can rest easy now!
I'm not real fond of them myself, but we've come to an uneasy truce. I mostly leave them alone in the basement, but I'll get rid of them upstairs. We have mostly skinny spiders, too, not those nasty fat things, all full of guts. I hate squishing spiders or any kind of bug, and that's where my Bug Vac has been a godsend. I think it's one of the greatest inventions in history! I'm not exaggerating.
This morning I was going through my emails, and I just got tired of deleting all those offers from companies I'd ordered from in the past. They're fine companies, I'm just not looking to buy anything from them at the moment. I can find them again if I need them, but I don't need daily emails about their sales. So I started doing the "unsubscribe" thing. No problem, easy enough to do following the links...but one gave me a message that struck me so funny. It said, "You have been unsubscribed from our mailing list. Sorry for any inconvenience we have caused you." It sounded like a jilted lover! That air of haughty superiority, with an underlying feeling of injury, delivered with a sarcastic tone. An attitude of "Yeah, I'm apologizing on the surface, but deep down, I'm really hurt and I HATE YOU!" So in the interests of soothing hurt feelings and calming ruffled feathers....
Dear Domestications,
I know that I've hurt you, and for that I'm truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you this way, but I just don't think our relationship is going anywhere. While in some ways I'll always love you, I'm not "in love" with you. And it's not really's me. I know I've got some things to work out myself, and it's not fair to you to continue to let you hope that things will change.
You've got so many great things to offer others, and I know you'll find someone who can truly make you happy. But I also know that that person isn't me. You may hate me now, but I think that as time goes by, you'll come to realize it, too, and know that I could never have made you as happy as you deserve to be.
I'll always treasure our time together, and I believe that in many ways, you've helped me grow as a person. I hope we can be friends...maybe not right now, but in the future. I hope that you will one day feel the same way. I'll always care about you.
Again...I'm sorry.
There. I hope that makes them feel better.
Man, don't you hate letters like that? I've had some of those things said to me, too--I bet we all have. My favorite was always "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you." Yeah, whatever. As the spider says, "Eat me!" Oh, and here's a good one: "I can't  make love to a person unless I'm IN love with them...and I think I'm falling in love with you." AHH-HA-HA-HAHHHH! Oh man, I just remembered that, and I'm cracking up! Isn't amazing some of the things people will say? I even had the one in the subject line about legs said to me once. HA!
How about you all? Got a good line that someone used on you? Or a really cheesy one? Share!


chat2missie said...

I can't stand any type of spider or bug!  They all give me the creepies!

krmprm said...

just laughing my head off.  It was just too true.  I'm
going to file it just in case I ever need another "Dear
John" letter, which isn't likely at this point in the game.
Anyway, thanks, I needed that.   Pat

buckoclown said...

How about the "Here is an Eggplant and Rose" gimmick :o)

shrbrisc said...

girl I have been out of the lope , I am a bit confused but that is me normally lol I love you and love your entries .. they challenge my way of thinking and that is what I love the most about you ...

queeniemart said...

You, again, are so funny. I had my first love say that to me once "lisa, i love you but i am not IN LOVE with you". What i didn't know is that he was having sex with multiple girls in the backseat of my '79 Plymouth Horizon while i was at work. Asshole. I hope a spider bites him on his barenaked ass someday.

Man, i HATE spiders. You have me itching all over now.

jmoqueen said...

*shivering as I read the entry*  Especially when you mentioned squishing spiders.  I don't like spiders and I once had the biggest I had ever seen living in a folder I had.  Luckily my mate got rid of him for me.  *shivers again*  I have tons of moths living in this flat which sucks