Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My Story

I made a promise, so here you go....

One afternoon, Godzilla was amusing himself by building tiny houses out of his set of Lincoln Logs and then stomping on them. Then he decided to build a detailed miniature replica of Tokyo using the Lincoln Logs and all his Legos. As he went on a rampage through his tiny Tokyo, stomping on the Lincoln Log and Lego pagodas, Godzilla roared, "Sure hope you've got renter's insurance!"

As he continued to crush the city's miniature homes, he suddenly had a sharp pain in his head. He reached up to grab his head and said, "Ow, that REALLY hurts! I'd better go to the Emergency Room."

Since the price of gas had made it too expensive to own a car--and since even Geico wouldn't insure Godzilla because of multiple accidents due to road rage in the past--Godzilla hopped on his bike and rode down to Fukuto Hospital. After being triaged, Godzilla waited 6 hours before he was seen by a doctor. Godzilla learned that a headache is trumped by gunshot wounds and other traumas, as well as heart attacks, asthma attacks, and projectile vomiting attacks. Godzilla roared, "Hey, I could be having a stroke here!" but to no avail. At one point, they wheeled Mothra--holding his broken wing--by Godzilla, and Mothra just laughed in an unpleasant, high pitched whine. Godzilla muttered, "Jeez, I hate that guy. Next time I see him out on the street, I'm gonna kick his ass!"

Finally, Godzilla got in to see the doctor. Dr. Scholl ordered a battery of tests on Godzilla, the phlebotomist came to draw some blood (they had a hard time finding a vein, but finally got one in his hand), and Dr. Scholl said, "I want those results stat!"

15 minutes later, Dr. Scholl stood before Godzilla, printouts in hand. Dr. Scholl said, "As usual, the laboratory has done an excellent job, making my job easier. Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you."

Godzilla said, "Give it to me straight, Doc. I can take it."

Dr. Scholl said, "Your cholesterol and triglycerides are through the roof. You have high blood pressure, you seem to have some limited arterial blockage, and your weight--do you realize you weigh over 5 TONS?--qualifies you for obesity. Also, it appears that you have a brain tumor--"

Godzilla said, "I knew it! It's all that damn radiation that I've been subjected to!"

Dr. Scholl said, "Please let me continue. You have a brain tumor, but it is benign and operable. We expect you to make a full recovery."

Godzilla said, "Wow, that's great news! Thanks, Doc!"

Dr. Scholl said, "Oh, and you also have Salmonella, but it's common knowledge that reptiles carry the bacteria, so no biggie."

Godzilla said, "You're the best, Doc! And the lab is great, too!"

Dr. Scholl said, "Thank you. Here's your bill."

Godzilla took a look and said, "Ten thousand dollars?! ROOAAARRRR!" And he incinerated Dr. Scholl right then and there, sending Dr. Scholl's "sole" to whatever place is reserved for E.R. doctors.

The End


Coming soon to a theater near you!


mereel2005 said...

You have no idea how much I needed to read this. The small tumor I had three years may have returned.  But could we recreate Dr. Scholl's; I might need him.

jimsulliv3 said...

Brilliant! I've been to that hospital but I heard they've been thinking about changing the name.


aimer said...

Woman, you're nuttier than I am and that's saying a lot! I laughed myself silly. Of course, I've seen all those Godzilla, Mothra, radiation run amok sci-fi flicks and I love them! I've never incinerated a doctor but there have been a few times when I really wanted to slap one up side the head, but I'm a lady. Okay, I'm not really genteel but I am afraid of jail.--Sheria

martygord said...

Wow, very entertaining!  Really gives one pause.  For example, I'm trying to imagine "Gamera" in the unemployment line, trying to extend his health benefits.  Or Bride of Frankenstein trying to make ends meet on Social Security ...

knightbek said...

Ha ha!  This is just too damn funny!  Lovin' it!

Bill, the Wildcat

rdautumnsage said...

In one word "Brilliant". You always manage to write something that makes me laugh, think, or wonder where my sanity got off to (or is that brain *winks*)
(Hugs) Indigo

helmswondermom said...

That's the best movie I've "seen" in ages!